Rewrite Your Checklist for the Perfect Partner

Because no one can fulfill every one of your needs

You know that checklist some people have? The one that lists things like: “good values,” “good earner,” “intelligent,” “sensitive” and “wants kids”? Many of us have them in the backs of our minds as we date and seek a partner, though some people — my sister for example — actually write them out. Hers was two pages long back when she shared it with me in high school.

While we should all have standards when seeking a partner, the longer your List of Necessary Qualities, the less likely you are to find someone who will meet all of your requirements.

That’s just math.

When my sister showed me her list, it was before I had been in any relationships myself, but I wondered if maybe I should have a list too. I was 14, with crushes on boys but no experience dating whatsoever.

I went back to my bedroom that night and began to write. I don’t remember exactly what I put on my list, but it was probably abstract qualities like “sensitive,” “smart” and “kind.” It was not even close to the length my sister’s was.

But it wasn’t until I actually began dating, moreover, getting into serious, long-term relationships, that I began to understand what qualities I needed and wanted in a partner.

1. He listened intently to me when I spoke, and asked thoughtful follow-up questions.

2. He was interested in me as a whole person, without having the goal so many men I’d known seemed to have — to get into my pants.

I’ve never lost my appreciation for his listening and communication skills, nor his interest in me as a whole person. These are two qualities that have led to our lasting relationship (8+ years).

But about three years in, I began to see the downside of him not wanting to get into my pants… he just didn’t care too much about getting in there. And I began to realize that I wanted sex more than he did.

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